This morning I was treated to another episode of “hey that girl there is a *bitch*” and finger pointed in my direction. With that, I’m gonna just let it all hang out on what makes me a bitch so there is no more misunderstanding as to why you may feel it necessary to lob that complaint my way.
1. I do not lie. I do not like lying. What hurt me the most in telling the truth is having the police, the authorities, the justice system, the Department of Children and Family Services of the State of Washington and many others shut me down and just say “well, she’s lying.” It’s not pretty. It’s not nice. It’s one of the most painful defeats in my life. But there you go.
2. Correction: The ONLY thing I lie about to anyone is if you ask me how I’m doing. If I say anything positive, it’s a complete fabrication because that’s one area I’m not sharing the truth on. I am in mental, emotional and chronic physical pain all the time. I am fighting every day to be among the living and yanno, every day I’ve seen happen after that fun time or two at NH Bremerton near dead on an operating table, *that* is something I cherish dearly, up there with my children Andrew and Amanda, my beautiful daughter in law Jennifer and my awesome grandchildren Hunter and Orion.
3. Every day I wake up in some sorta state of sick. I’d like to get past this. However, I know I did this to myself. So many years of letting stuff lie in my own personal world, because I was so much more concerned with everyone and everything else. If you are still with me here, here’s something I need you to know. Be good to you. It’s easy to just drop things and forget you, I know, but you cannot be replaced and you DO TOO matter.
4. When you look at me, what do you see? Do you see childhood abuse survivor, abusive marriage survivor, hurricane survivor, proud mother and grandmother, any of that? Oh. My bad. Don’t look at my past, unless you’re wanting to know the framework for my present and future.
My brain hurts. I need to get the pain meds on board which is probably why I’m feeling a bit angsty right now. Let’s talk later.